


Blinding

by KairiasYami2



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Body Horror, Gen, it’s really only mentioned but I want to cover my bases here, mentions of self-mutilation, or something like that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27021994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KairiasYami2/pseuds/KairiasYami2
Summary: Jon discovers the way to escape the Archives sooner than in canon. He decides to take drastic measures....“I have to do this. I’m turning into a monster, and I can’t take the thought that I could hurt one of you or anyone, really.The statements, they’ve become almost necessary for my survival at this point, and I haven’t slept in weeks because I’m afraid to see statement-givers in my dreams, and it’s terrifying. Am I even human anymore?But the real reason I’m recording this is to say goodbye. Just in case.”
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	Blinding

**Author's Note:**

> First of all pls ignore any OOCness because I love these characters but I also read way too much fanfiction of TMA and who knows what their characterizations have turned into in my head compared to canon. Especially Jon, he’s probably so out of character. *cries*
> 
> Secondly, I don’t really have any plans for this fic beyond this one shot that just wouldn’t leave my head but who knows so imma establish this: Sasha James didn’t get replaced by the NotThem so she’s alive and other than that canon is mostly the same I just cant let her be dead I’ve read too many fanfics with her being badass to let her die so soon.
> 
> Thirdly I love the podcast but my brain is so bad with dates and timelines and that shit and I zone out so often on accident so I’m like oh yeah this happens. But did it happen before or after this event??? I don’t know, I just know it happened. So. I’m gonna make some stuff up sorry. This is pre-Unknowing because I also want Tim alive because I want happy archival team eventually so there. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you guys enjoy and this isn’t horrible!

They all get the email. It’s short, with only two words (“Please Watch”) and an audio attachment. It arrives somewhere around three in the morning, and the subject line reads “I’m Sorry.”

When the audio file is opened, Jon’s voice comes out, obviously tired and filled with an odd sense of resignation. 

**Recording begins.**

“Hello, everybody. 

I must say, it’s weird to be recording this on my computer. There is a tape recorder on my coffee table, of course, that was not there before I started speaking, but for this I did not want to use it. I can only hope the audio doesn’t get too corrupted to listen. I can only hope that I am not so far gone that not even my voice can be picked up by digital means. 

I know that some of you will not care to hear from me, and I understand why. But if you are listening to this, you have at least clicked on the link, and for that, thank you. 

Now, for why I have sent you all this recording. I recently had another encounter with an Avatar - this time of The End. He called himself Oliver Banks, and he had some vital information for me. I asked why he would help me and he said that ‘Jonah is becoming too arrogant in his old age, and the End is losing its patience.’ Before I could ask about ‘Jonah’ he told me his information. And-

I-

I was going to tell you all in person. I found out just last week, and I wanted to spend a little time trying to verify the information. I couldn’t find anything on my own, so I planned to tell you all on Monday. But then I started thinking, about how I could- well. 

I’m stalling. I am a coward, I always have been, and I am so very afraid right now. 

Oliver Banks told me that there was a way to leave the Institute. Two ways, actually. The first is to die, which we can all agree is not preferable. I don’t know if any of us really want to die if we don’t have to. Which leaves us the second option. It’s-

Well it is fitting isn’t it?

To escape The Eye, one simply needs to destroy their own eyes.

And normally I would never consider this - it’s a terrifying thought, being blind. Unable to see, to Watch and Know and-

But that’s why I began to consider this option, you know. I don’t remember what it’s like to not crave Knowing and Knowledge and Statements and- And despite the fact that I haven’t felt like myself in a long time, I don’t feel like something is wrong and that terrifies me. 

I should get to the point, really. This is enough of me rambling. 

I’m going to do it. I found some drain cleaner in one of my cupboards, it must have been there since I bought the place since I cannot remember ever buying it. I decided that using an acid would be easier than trying to use a knife. I don’t know how much willpower I’d be able to shore up - certainly not enough to cut out both of my eyes. And I can’t ask for help - anyone who I would trust to help me with this would try and talk me out of it. And I-

I have to do this. I’m turning into a monster, and I can’t take the thought that I could hurt one of you or anyone, really. 

The statements, they’ve become almost necessary for my survival at this point, and I haven’t slept in weeks because I’m afraid to see statement-givers in my dreams, and it’s terrifying. Am I even human anymore? 

But the real reason I’m recording this is to say goodbye. Just in case. 

I don’t- I don’t know if this will work. I Know that destroying my eyes will eliminate my connection to The Eye, but I don’t know if I’ll live through this. 

My connection to the eye - how deep does it go? If I’m barely human anymore, will destroying my connection to The Eye kill me? I can’t imagine Avatars like Jude Perry would be able to survive being cut off from their ‘god,’ she was made of wax for goodness sake! But I am not as committed to The Eye as she is to The Devastation, and I am still at least made of flesh and blood and bone. But I can’t help but worry...

And more, I haven’t eaten or slept in weeks, and the only reason I drink water anymore is to wet my throat when recording statements. When I cut myself off from The Eye, the thing that is keeping me alive despite my lack of self-care, will I shrivel up into a starved, sleep-deprived man? Humans can’t survive on so little sleep, so will my body just give out on me?

These fears won’t stop me though. I can’t live like this anymore. 

So just in case, I am making this video to say goodbye to all of you. 

And to say sorry, if it’s my last chance to do so. 

Turns out, seeing your approaching doom is a very good motivator for self-reflection and getting rid of some barriers built by pride and shame.

So. 

Tim, I am so sorry for everything that went wrong between us. Once I considered you a tentative friend, but I let fear and stress and paranoia take over and I am sure I have lost the right to call you friend. And rightly so. I don’t expect forgiveness, but I needed to say I am sorry. 

Sasha, I apologize for taking that title that should have been yours. At this point I cannot imagine you actually wanting to be Head Archivist, considering what all that entails, but were the Institute not the Temple of a terrible Fear God and our boss an evil disciple of said Fear God, I think you would have made an amazing Head Archivist. And like with Tim, I have not been a good friend, and for that I am so sorry. 

Georgie, I am so glad to have reconnected with you after so many years, but I wish that I hadn’t dragged you into this mess. Take care of yourself, please. And the Admiral. I don’t know what I’d do if either of you were hurt because I involved you. 

Melanie, we have never gotten along, and that’s because we are too similar in a lot of not-so-good ways. But one positive way we are similar is our love for Georgie so please - take care of her for me?

Daisy - you terrify me, and I don’t have much to say to you beyond asking you to take care of all of them. I know I have no right to ask you that, but if you could find it in your heart...please. 

Basira, I would hope I could say we are friends, but I don’t know if I have the right to. I am sorry for all I have done to cause you trouble, and for involving you in the Institute’s drama. 

Finally, Martin. I have so much to apologize to you for - for taking you and your kindness for granted. For treating you so harshly for so long, for being such a jerk and a prick and a horrible boss. Really, I don’t know how you can tolerate me at all. But you do and that is...amazing. I find I care about you so incredibly much, and I hope you are well in your life going forward. You are intelligent and competent, and I know you will be wonderful. 

*Jon clears his voice and sniffs softly.*

I, ah. Don’t have much else to say. 

Everything is set up. I plan to call emergency services just before I, well, do the deed. I don’t want to die, despite how likely I fear it to be, and perhaps if I can be brought to a hospital fast enough I could survive. I’ll-um, I actually plan to do it as soon as I finish this recording and send it to you all. The sooner the better, right? Don’t want to give myself to talking myself out of it. This is the right thing to do. 

It has to be. 

*Jon lets out a shaky laugh.*

I almost forgot to mention - Oliver Banks, he almost implied that my cutting my connection from The Eye might save all of you too! There’s no guarantees and I might be misinterpreting it, but maybe my selfish and cowardly act could turn into something good by saving all of you. 

I hope you all have absolutely wonderful lives. 

Goodbye, and I’m sorry.”

**Recording ends.**

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in under an hour at 3am it’s still 3am and I haven’t edited it pls be nice k thx


End file.
